By Martin Smith.
Feeling tired and grumpy? Worried about those black rings under your eyes? Depressed about having to suppress those cannibalistic cravings? Then you need The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™.
That brat next door kicking their soccer ball against your side fence, day and night? Your pesky partner nagging you 24/7 about what a shitbowl your life is? An elderly relative with a feeble pulse standing between you and a healthy inheritance? Then you need The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™.
Lie awake all night worrying about the world’s spiralling population growth? About all those nasty CO2 emissions vented by verbose politicians, bean-eating Greens and hypocritical celebrities buzzing about the globe in their private jets? About how you can do your bit to curb humanity’s rampant profligacy yet still live a rich, full and meaningful life? Then you need The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™.
The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™ provides a holistic approach to the art of cannibalism and a step-by-step guide for the physical and mental wellbeing of the modern-day man-eater.
Drawing upon world-best practice, The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™ includes the ancient dietary regime of the Neanderthals, the sacred rites of remote Amazonian tribes and—in the sealed section—anthropophagous tips from the modern greats. And trust us, it works!
But don’t take our word for it. Hear from some of the thousands of satisfied customers who have used The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™ to transform their lives:
Hi, I’m Patrick Bateman. While a lonely stockbroker earning millions on the New York Stock Exchange, I went psycho. Then I discovered The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™. It changed my life, enabling me to achieve a work-life balance I only dreamt of. Not only did it provide guidance on how to meet and greet people outside working hours, but its meditation therapy module enabled me to repress any feelings of guilt and shame about eating them. I give stock tips all day. Let me give you a life tip, tonight: Buy The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™. You’ll be insane if you don’t.
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Hi, I’m Sweeney Todd. As a Bronx barber, I could only dream about being an anthropophagous great. Then a customer put me onto The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™. Now I’m doing a different style of cutting. On Broadway, starring in an award-winning show named after me and working my way through my fellow cast members. I recommend The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™. It made me the star I am today. And it can make you one too, even in the most cut-throat of industries. Who says you can’t have your pie and eat it too?
Still not convinced The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™ is for you? Ever heard of Chuck Stake? No? You’re not the only one, and that’s because he bought one of our competitor’s inferior guides, and now Chuck’s on death row, all because he made a clumsy kill and got caught red-handed. That won’t happen to you when you follow the step-by-step guidance in The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™, the only guide that has a 100% non-detection, non-detention success rate.
Warning! Don’t be fooled by those inferior imitation products. Buy the only guide that is endorsed by the Royal Society of Psychopaths: The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™. It’s the only guide that comes supported by empirical research. Make no mistake. The science is in. Ninety-seven per cent of leading nutritionists recommend The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™. The other three per cent met premature deaths, supporting our claim that ignoring The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™ is detrimental to one’s health.
The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™ is the only guide that has achieved a 100% customer satisfaction rating. Independent focus groups voted The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™ the only guide to leave customers feeling satiated in a no-fuss, no-mess, clean-cut way. The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™ is the only guide that comes with a 24/7 helpline and a 88-day money-back guarantee. And if you still have any uneaten friends and you recommend us to any of them, we’ll forward a copy of The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™ to them for free.
So how much will you pay for The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™? Two hundred dollars? One hundred dollars? No. It’s yours for $8.88, that’s right, $8.88. A one-off discounted price available for a short time only. But hurry. Don’t miss out. Our distributor has warned prices must rise soon.
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But wait, that’s not all! If you buy The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™ today, you will receive a bonus copy of The Cannibal’s Kitchen: 88 Quick and Easy Meat Recipes. The cookbook the talk of Hollywood and Capitol Hill. The No.1 best-seller almost banned. The publishing phenomenon changing the dining habits of a nation and driving an unprecedented abandonment of vegetarianism. And it’s yours for free if you purchase The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™ today.
Stop the press! Order your copy of The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™ now by phoning 888-8888, and if you’re one of the first 88 callers, we’ll include a set of Tantalus carving knives with a handle colour of your choice.
But hurry, stocks are limited, and this offer is a once-in-a-lifetime deal never to be repeated. So phone 888-8888, and if you’re one of the first 88 callers, you’ll get The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™, a bonus copy of The Cannibal’s Kitchen: 88 Quick and Easy Meat Recipes and a set of Tantalus carving knives with a handle colour of your choice.
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So phone now on 888-8888 and secure your copy of The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™ today.
The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing™.
Cos you can’t beat red meat.
Eight-year-old Martin Smith
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Martin Smith is a writer of short fictions of humour. Having spent a working life crunching numbers, he retired to the Bellarine Peninsula in 2013, where he lives and writes in a beach house at Queenscliff. When he is not banging away on his keyboard with thumbs and index fingers or reading snippets of his scribblings to his beloved Rose, you’ll more likely than not find him walking the beach barefoot at low tide or downing a double scoop of Peppermint Chip at the local ice-creamery. He plans to publish two collections of stories of humour (This Laugh’s On Me and The Cannibal’s Guide to Health and Wellbeing) in 2023.
Martin joined Geelong Writers in 2022. He is a member of The Seaside Scribes, a writing group that meets at the Queenscliff Neighbourhood House every second Tuesday.
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